U is for Umber Hulk, Lying in Wait

Today I really wanted to talk about the Friendship is Magic session during Delve Night, where we pitted the players against the show’s heroes, including unicorns, to disable a magical ritual that hurt anybody without friends. But on reflection, I didn’t design that session. I helped with some of it, but I really just took somebody else’s custom monsters and used them. And if I can’t talk about how I used unicorns, I have to talk about the only other U creature anybody can name.

Umber hulks are another creature proprietary to D&D. They’re something like a gorilla covered in chitin with the face of a beetle. They live underground, they burrow, and they’re pretty good at grabbing things and either eating them to death or absconding with them. Their signature ability is a gaze attack that confuses enemies, often baffling them into attacking themselves or each other. Depending on your edition they’re either somewhat clever or startlingly intelligent, and they’re better at guerilla tactics than one might expect from a cave-dwelling bug.

I just realized they use guerrilla tactics and look like gorillas. There is no need to comment about it.

I’ve always liked the look of the umber hulk, but I’ve never found a good opportunity to use them as written. My main problem is the very hit-or-miss confusing gaze. When it hits, players lose their actions bumbling around like fools, which isn’t fun for them. When it misses, the umber hulk loses most of what keeps it from being a boring claw-claw-bite monster like a dozen others at its CR, and that’s not fun for me. The things that make them fun are the things the book trusts the DM to come up with: its lair, its tactics, its priorities, and the way it moves across the battlefield. The good news is that you could take out the gaze and use the remaining stats for any burrowing creature (take a drink), but the bad news is they’re still a lot more work than other creatures are, and a lot of its fluff is also hit-or-miss depending on how the players react.

Instead I went the other way, using the concept of the umber hulk instead of its stats. I used that idea for bosses in two campaigns, both large insectoid creatures who lurked in shadows and had weird, confusing lairs. One passed through walls, grabbed characters, and carted them off, and a significant portion of the fight was trying to save the ranger’s animal companion from its clutches. The other was a Zelda boss, so it didn’t do much until its final battle but I peppered the dungeon with foreshadowing about it, and it was completely immune to damage from everything but environmental effects so the players had to engage it in a set piece instead. The large, crafty monster who attacks from ambush is a fine idea to strike terror in players’ hearts, and if anything the umber hulk’s stats detracted from it, so I made my own. And I got to use my huge umber hulk miniature even though the umber hulk is normally large, so that’s a bonus.

I think Wizards understood some of the issues with the umber hulk given the options they presented for it. I recall one book recommending that DMs give monsters class levels to mix things up, and the example they used was an umber hulk druid. The players would approach it expecting a straightforward fight, then it would cast flame strike and the players would rethink their lives. My first thought when I read that was “that takes seven levels of druid, which isn’t a good fit for the umber hulk’s skills and abilities”, but my second was “that’s a neat idea.” The under-appreciated Enemies and Allies splatbook also had Blind Jak, a traveling umber hulk monk who wore a blindfold so he wouldn’t confuse his allies. Neither of these really works with the flavor of an umber hulk, but I appreciate it when the designers try to make a monster more interesting than it deserves.

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T is for Tyrannosaurus the Great

T was surprisingly difficult, though not for lack of options. My players fought a tojanida while riding on its back, but that was more of a set piece, and that’s a different topic. They’ve fought several titans, but of the “_____ titan” varieties, not the vanilla Monster Manual titan. They fought the tarrasque, but it’s surprisingly underpowered in 4E. We wrote our own version of the troglodyte for the 4E version of Savage Species we never finished, but we didn’t play it. Trolls, treants, tigers, tieflings, thri-kreen, these all made it into campaigns, but I didn’t do anything interesting with them. The only T creature I’ve spun to my satisfaction wasn’t a fight at all. It was window dressing.

A tyrannosaurus is a one-trick pony, even more than the hezrou. It approaches a target, it bites them, it grapples, it swallows, GOTO 10. The specifics of that strategy depend on who you ask; Pathfinder uses a larger tyrannosaurus with significantly higher damage, AC, and Perception but fewer hit points and an easier-to-escape stomach than D&D’s version. Neither book spends any time describing the creature because there’s nothing to say. If you don’t know what a tyrannosaurus is, you’re probably not interested in the stats for dinosaurs.

Truth be told, I don’t really like the tyrannosaurus. It’s normally too blunt for me, and I have a hard time having a dinosaur show up like a villain airlifted one in. I’m more likely to reskin it as anything with a single huge attack, especially one that can incapacitate a player for a while (take a drink). But for various reasons my players have fought several tyrannosauruses over the years. They sit at a good CR for me, at a level where the party is powerful but not “scry, teleport, coup de grâce” powerful. They’re easy to run and they usually strike fear in players’ hearts. The first huge-sized miniature I ever got was a fiendish tyrannosaurus, and I lean toward monsters I can represent on a table. And a tyrannosaur was responsible for one of my early player deaths, when he decided to climb down the creature’s throat to attack it from the inside but did not count on taking bite damage every round while the dinosaur was perfectly happy swallowing at its own pace, thank you very much. I do like monsters with player history attached.

But all of those were blunt applications for a blunt object. You don’t get to take credit for innovation by using a tool as intended. Rather, the instance I’m proud of happened in the first Eight Arms campaign, which took place mostly in the party’s home city. That city had a park, and inside that park lived a druid nicknamed Crazy Eddie. He was a legal resident of the city and by law technically could not be forced to vacate the park due to outstanding statutes only he remembered. He stood against modernization and wanted to preserve the last bit of relatively natural land in and around the city. Normally nobody would care, but in Pathfinder druids could have a tyrannosaurus as their animal companion, and as it turns out a giant dinosaur is an excellent deterrent to crime and government overreach.

Animal companion tyrannosauruses can normally only grow to large size, but I could not bring myself to care. In Pathfinder tyrannosauruses are normally gargantuan, so if they can be both size categories, they can also be the one in between. This let me use my mini again, so everybody was happy.

The players loved Crazy Eddie and his companion, and I think that’s mostly because he hated dealing with their characters and my players make an effort to inject frustration and entropy into every social system they come across. He and his tyrannosaurus made an appearance in the final city-wide battle, effectively defending the park from invaders by themselves, and the next time we have a campaign set in that city I’m going out of my way to make sure he shows up. Whether he is an ally or an enemy will depend on what the campaign is about and how likely the party is to be scared of a dinosaur in combat.

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S is for Stymphalidies, the End

Yesterday I talked about a creature I intended as the campaign villain from his first appearance. Today’s monster, not so much.

A stymphalidies is a large, carnivorous bird with beaks and feathers as sharp as metal. They’re based on the almost-identically-spelled stymphalides of Greek myth, who were the subject of the sixth labor of Hercules and maybe also met the Argonauts depending on whose translation you read. The Pathfinder version of the creature retains the ability to hurl its feathers and can also blind its enemies by reflecting torchlight at them like a middle-schooler with a wristwatch. They’re kind of like a flying bulette with lower offense and higher defense and ranged capability.

I hit my players with one during The Eight Arms and the Memento Mori, which was supposed to be our monster-hunting campaign. The campaign villain could control monsters through magic and song, and his mount of choice was a stymphalidies. I described it to the players as a shiny gold chocobo, and they not only understood both how it looked but also why it was a good choice for a character in an ocean-based campaign. The bird accompanied the villain everywhere, even waiting outside cafes during lunchtime. I intended it to serve as a deterrent in case the party tried to attack the villain before the campaign could come to a satisfying conclusion. Instead they befriended the villain and tried to seek a middle ground, talking him down from revolution while working to set him up with his own country.

When the plans to develop a sovereign state fell through, the villain decided to commit to war, commanding legions of sea monsters to devastate every coastal city he could. The party decided he had to be taken out, and they snuck into his house and killed him in his sleep. Not only was this incredibly unsatisfying for me as a DM, it ended the campaign on a down note in the middle of our scheduled session time, so I did the only thing that made sense and had the stymphalidies wake up and attack.

What followed was the most unexpected final boss I’ve ever run, and as you’ll recall from earlier in this month, I once designed a final boss during the fight that came immediately before it. The stymphalidies proved startlingly effective, blinding the party and tearing it apart with more attacks per round than was fair. Its mobility didn’t matter since the party’s main source of damage was an actual cannon, but its defensive skills worked wonders. There was a brief moment when I felt the players legitimately wondered whether they would win without casualties, and that’s half of what I want out of a final fight anyway. The other half is a fulfilling end to a story arc, and we lacked that, but if I had known where we were going I probably could have made it work too. Technically, any creature can be a climax if you sell it appropriately. I mean, your average player wouldn’t expect a chimera to be a final boss battle, but there you go.

I have a slow, ongoing project to get miniatures made of the final bosses from all of my campaigns. Somewhere alone the line, somebody is going to see this one and ask “What’s up with this bird? Was it like a chocobo wizard or something?” And I’ll say “Nope, dumb as a hammer. Funny story…”

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R’s for Rakshasa, a Foe and a Friend

Is this really the first monster with the accent on the second syllable? Cripes.

Every once in a while I like going back through books of monsters and wondering why I’ve never used certain creatures. Often the answer is something obvious, but every once in a while I stumble upon a gem for which I just hadn’t found the right setting. Today’s creature was in the first Monster Manual I ever picked up, and I rejected them because I thought they were weird and poorly-designed. I still think that. But the Pathfinder version fixed some of its problems, and I found it just in time to use it.

Rakshasas in D&D are inspired by, but seem to have nothing to do with, the creatures from Hindu mythology. In D&D they are tiger-headed humanoids with backward-facing hands and magical powers. They are evil, and you are now fully caught up on the culture and backstory of rakshasas as a race according to the 3E Monster Manual. 4E added that they can have other feline heads and they like nobility and finery, Pathfinder let them have any animal head and made them anti-religious, and the Bestiary 3 finally gave them an inkling of background by making the original rakshasas just one of a race called “rakshasas” for maximum confusion.

I want to come back to the 3E rakshasa to give you an idea of just how terrible a creature this was. When I said their culture was sparse, I wasn’t kidding. Here is the full text of the rakshasa’s entry after taking out their height, weight, language, and the description of their hands:

Some say rakshasas are the very embodiment of evil. Few beings are more malevolent.

I would say this is the worst sort of Saturday morning cartoon villainy, but even Skeletor had a backstory. Rakshasas are as boring as monsters come, and they’re no better in combat. Their physical ability scores are terrible, and their attack, damage, AC, and hit points are nowhere near what their CR warrants. All they have going for them offensively is the casting power of a 7th-level sorcerer, somewhat underwhelming to the 10th-level players who usually fight them. But it’s their defenses that make them shine like a ball of polished mud. They have ludicrously high damage reduction that can only be bypassed by a weapon both good and piercing, and their spell resistance lets them ignore some eighty percent of the spells cast at them. Fighting them is a slog without value, where either you have the perfect solution that can end them in one or two rounds (a holy pick or a spell that ignores SR) or you beat your head against them for a while as under-leveled magic plinks off you. It’s just bad.

I completely ignored the rakshasa for ten years, because that’s what it deserved. The Pathfinder version fixes a lot of these problems, mostly because Pathfinder was designed with some concept of appropriate statistics by CR. But also because they finally defined what rakshasas want to do in the world: corrupt society from within. I ran across them when I was building The Eight Arms and the Empire of Sin, where one of the major themes was “at what point does a society’s evil condemn it?”* And rakshasas have always had the ability to disguise themselves as a PC race to walk among them and act without hassle, so I had everything I needed.

In true rakshasa fashion, the players didn’t know they were dealing with one until the end of the campaign. He had set the wheels of the campaign in motion, convincing up a specific king to overextend himself and waiting for somebody to have a problem with it so he could set himself up as a leader once the king fell. He helped the party throughout the campaign, giving them information and connections when they needed them, and in the end he picked up the pieces. I did specifically want to avoid the “you have served me well, now you must die!” trope that always seems to knock villains off their pedestal, and once the rakshasa had power he gave the party and their guild cushy positions in his new order. I was mentally prepared for them to fight him anyway, but they shrugged and figured he was fine as long as he wasn’t actively hurting anybody (except for the paladin, who stormed off).

This is how a rakshasa should be used, not as a creature to actually fight but as a manipulator in the background. They’re not built for anything but surviving to fight another day, and that’s how their defenses and spells should be used, as escape mechanisms. There’s no fighting a rakshasa, only backing it into the corner like a feral cat.

Oh, feral cat, feline heads, I just got it.

* — This theme may be news to my players. But consider that the first act was about fighting the qlippoth, who wanted to fight the campaign villain’s evil acts but mind-controlled everybody to do it. The second act was about defending a sinful society, but by destroying the manifestations of that sin come to exact punishment. The third was about overthrowing a formerly-immoral kingdom that found religion and wanted to forcefully spread the word of good, but did it by killing anybody who opposed them. And the story ended with a rakshasa in charge of that kingdom intending to turn it into an even more debauched civilization than before, but in a benign way that caused no direct harm to its neighbors, and the party accepted it. I figured if my players want to kill angels, I might as well give the angels a reason to throw the first punch.

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Q is for Qlippoth; I Guess They’re from Space

I never understood the fascination with Lovecraft. I assume it’s because I’m an escapist who loves happy endings and triumphing over evil, and the Lovecraft mythos is about creatures so alien and powerful that to merely look upon them is to collapse the scaffolding of our ephemeral sanity, scattering our concepts of morality, strength, and even space like roaches in the light. Also, he was more than a little racist. But if yesterday’s post was any indication, I’m not above stealing the bits I like from something while ignoring the rest, and I can get some mileage out of Cthulhoid creatures.

Qlippoth are a race of outsiders in Pathfinder, like angels or demons. They existed before creatures who existed before time, they probably come from the most vast reaches of the Great Beyond, and they all have horrific appearance traits that inflict status ailments. Though their Bestiary 2 entry doesn’t mention the Great Old Ones, and the Bestiary 3 entry for the Great Old Ones doesn’t mention the qlippoth, their Lovecraftian influence is clear. They share no physical features and there’s no indication that they work together in any way. They have no culture besides “hurt things.” They’re D&D monsters in their purest form, bundles of dangerous abilities and little worldview or coherence, enemies of the sort only a fool would try to reason with.

The one thing that makes them significantly different from a typical Lovecraft creature is that they do, as a race, have one goal: they want to abolish sin. Originally they lived on the Abyss, and when the demons started rising from evil and taking over, the qlippoth figured out sin was the root cause of their woes. One might assume they would be militantly good, but a nuanced villain doesn’t suit the game’s intended narrative. No, instead the qlippoth reasoned that as sin was the root cause of demons, mortal life was the root cause of sin, so they want to destroy all mortals. Especially humanoids. Especially children and pregnant women, because if you’re going to kick a puppy you might as well go for a field goal. I hesitate to call them the result of lazy design, but they’re definitely the result of a lazy gaming culture.

Luckily, The Eight Arms and the Empire of Sin was about sin, so I had a chance to do something interesting with them instead of just slapping a crazy cult together and going on lunch break. The two lowest-level qlippoth are a sort of spore that infects tiny creatures and a squid thing that uses mind control. Their CRs were perfect for the party to fight several of the former and deal with the latter as a boss, so I built the first act of the campaign around them as a red herring villain. I went full horror with it; the books only provide the stats for a tiny infected creature, but there’s nothing in the monster entry to suggest there’s a size limit on what the spore can control. By the time the campaign started, a good portion of a major town had already been infected or dominated, and in the early sessions the players slowly learned just how far the spores had spread. It culminated in a battle against the squid and a hasty retreat as the infected townsfolk attacked the party, but after the spores died off the party received a hero’s welcome.

This as I understand it is how Lovecraftian horror should work, that growing sense of unease and otherness building to a point from which the protagonist cannot recover, spurred on by a gradual discovery about the true nature of things. D&D and Pathfinder have little patience for that, but I am very dumb and I tried to make it work. I’d say it went alright; I didn’t give any players nightmares, though I hit them hard enough for them to fear for themselves and others. I do think I about peaked the entertainment value of the qlippoth. I don’t see them as a campaign villain or even much of a recurring threat. They’re more about a brief moment of shock, maybe after a bit of buildup, and a battle. No matter how alien or special they’re supposed to be, they’re exactly like every other uninspired creature, and that’s the real sin.

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P is for Pumpkin-Head Guys on a Base

Today’s monster is special because it doesn’t exist. Or, rather, they don’t exist. They’re not in any rulebook, there’s no official mini for them, and as far as I know they aren’t even in a D&D video game. Because of this I can’t give you a second-paragraph description of the monster and how the designers intend it. Instead we go right into story time.

We like miniatures in our local gaming circle. We’re of the opinion that anything can be a miniature as long as it does the job a miniature does, which is to give a visual reference to everybody at the table. During our campaigns we’ve used action figures as giants, an upside-down glass as a Leever, a crab souvenir as a literal giant enemy crab, and an actual My Little Pony toy as the evil homebrew pony Sprinkle Gore. We especially like stealing miniatures from other games as long as they’re of an appropriate size, and at any given time I’m only a few inches away from springing for the Doom board game and convincing somebody to paint the miniatures so I can run some one-shots. We don’t care what an object’s origin is as long as we can use it.

At once point our FLGS owner liquidated the stock from some defunct miniatures games and essentially dropped several handfuls of weird miniatures in my lap. Some are very close to D&D, like the barbarian wielding a bone club, and some are not, like the screaming pillar made of worms or the most perfect mini for a Super Metroid space pirate you will ever see. Among this pile of strange was a set of the Knight of Autumn Gate minis from Dreamblade, large-sized people in dark armor with flaming swords and grinning pumpkin faces. I love Halloween and just about everything that goes with it, so I immediately set to finding a way to use them.

Boy did I. Those pumpkin-head minis have found their way into just about every campaign I’ve run since. Sometimes they’re just an ogre with a flaming sword, but more often they’re actual pumpkins of some variety. The first time was in the Tower Campaign where each floor of the tower was its own demiplane and the whole thing was curated by a set of, essentially, DMs. We often have an abbreviated player roster during summer months in a college town, and I decided to run a gaiden, a side story concurrent with but separate from the proper plot. In it, the pumpkins were rejected creatures from a Halloween-based floor who wanted to get back at the players who no longer had to fight them. The party fought their way through six of them (well, they fought five and befriended a sixth, because my players consider any plan of mine a challenge to them and they knew forcing me to use the same miniature for both an ally and an enemy at once would cause me physical distress) before making it to the arc villain, which meant I got more leverage out of that mini than I have from most.

Most recently they acted as guards in a prison made of glass and agate. I found a good picture of a tower with a strong Halloween motif, and when I showed it to the players, this exchange occurred:

Me: When you come over the hill, you see this.
Player 1: Neat.
Player 2: But it’s not even Halloween.
Player 3: Why is this a pumpkin tower if it’s not Halloween?
Me: Because I wanted to use the pumpkin minis.
Player 3: Yeah that’s fair.

The lesson here is the same as with the kruthik but stronger (take a much larger sip from that same beverage, which I assume you’ve kept handy for a week). Just as reskinning a creature but keeping the stats works, it works to keep just the look and change all the stats. Heck, that’s basically the entire design philosophy behind our Saturday campaign.

I will admit I’m not the first person to have this idea. Almost ten years ago to the day, Wizards posted an article about adapting Dreamblade minis to D&D, including a picture of the exact miniature I have. It should be noted that the article was published about eight months after Dreamblade came out and about six months before Wizards shut the line down, so I have to assume their motives were not entirely creative.

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O is for Orcs, Orc-Speak, and Orc Home

When I was putting together the campaign setting I’m using now, I wanted to give each race a country. I didn’t want the country of elves to have elves, only elves, and all elves, because that’s not just creatively bankrupt, it’s also very boring. But I did want a physical location that served as a historical and cultural center. Basically, I was going for something not unlike Europe, where Germany is the traditional but not exclusive home of Germans. This analogy helped me because it gave me some footholds to design each country and, more importantly, their accents: elves are French, gnomes are Irish, and so on. But I also thought it was ridiculous that only standard PC races could have countries, and you may recall that I love me some monstrous PCs, so a few of the classically “savage” races got promoted to the same level as humans and dwarves. Though I have ideas for micronations for gnolls or kobolds and the like, only two monstrous races have large established countries: goblinoids and orcs.

Physically, orcs have changed a lot over the years, perhaps more than any other monster. Depending on your edition, an orc could look like a moblin, an uruk-hai, a burly green person, or 4E’s off-duty fashion models. But mentally and societally they’re pretty much the same as they’ve always been. They like power, axes, and fighting, and they hate everybody, but mostly elves and dwarves in that order. Their groups are small and usually based around a leader who gained that position by beating the previous leader in a fight, and they subsist on the things they kill and the things they steal from the bodies.

Obviously this doesn’t much work in an advanced society. There’s no sense behind a nation of wandering tribes who want to kill each other. In order to promote orcs to the same level as PC races, I had to come up with a reason they could work together and a reason they could settle down enough to build cities, both notions antithetical to orcs as we traditionally interpret them. I ended up giving them a country replete with natural resources, so harvesting and selling them was a much safer and more direct path to power and wealth than physically fighting over who got to sit on land they couldn’t fully leverage, and I made churches the main source of power in the land. As a rule orcs usually follow whatever the most orc-like deity in the edition is, and converting that from worship of one god to two or three separate churches worshipping similar but different gods wasn’t that much of a stretch. None of those religions has Gruumsh’s “kill everything you can catch” tenets, and they act as a stabilizing influence to keep the country together. Take those changes and apply them for a few hundred years, and you end up with orcs that still mostly look and act and think like you know, but in a culturally elevated way.

I still had to decide what their real-world inspiration was, and it wasn’t long before I settled on Russian. It fit geographically because I didn’t want them to share any borders with human, elven, or dwarven lands. It fit culturally given the importance of religion in historical Russia, as least as far as I researched it. It fit economically with power, wealth, and population focused more in the west, near the other countries, and less in the east. Perhaps most importantly, it was an accent I could do. With that connection we built it up more and more, keeping in mind the orcish base and the needs of our campaign setting, into the hybrid we have today.

My players have graciously indulged these real-world analogies in our campaign setting. When I first told them orcs were Russian, the response was “yeah, okay, that makes sense”. One of the players even jumped on it, declaring that he was involved in a war against orcs so he could hate them with that strange sort of self-righteousness typical of entrenched racism. I rewarded his contribution with a mini-campaign in which an orc stabbed him with a poisonous blade and his interns had to venture into orc country to chase the assassin before he succumbed to his wounds. He loved it.

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N is for Nerras, Shiny and Chrome

I have a reason for liking the minotaur: it’s basic and it’s functional. I have a reason for liking kruthiks: they gave me one of the most epic player stories I have. Almost everything I talk about this month had some application in-game that let to my opinion of it. Today’s monster didn’t. I just thought they looked cool.

Nerras are a race of mirror-people from the rarely-used Plane of Mirrors. They’re smooth, glasslike, almost-featureless humanoids with a ludicrous amount of elemental resistances, laughably inflated level adjustments, and spell resistance that reflects spells back on their caster. They can teleport using reflective surfaces, they have glass weapons, and basically everything they do has “mirror” in it somewhere because culture is hard. They’re supposed to be insistently neutral in alignment, but they tend toward voyeurism, kidnapping, arrogance, and sometimes massive interplanar invasions, so take that with a grain of salt.

They’re also not very good as monsters. Almost every power they have is defensive, including their spell-like abilities, so fighting them is a slog. Their mirror jump lets them flee battles, so pinning them down for an actual fight is difficult. They weird shard weapons, special blades that deal Constitution damage except when players wield them, so battling them has long consequences. They work best as hidden foes subtly working in the background of a campaign, but because of everything above, getting your hands on a nerra for the payoff battle isn’t terribly fun or satisfying.

But I didn’t recognize any of this early in my career, and I like metal and glass things aesthetically, so nerras become one of the recurring threats in my first campaign. Luckily the players tended toward physical damage and had a decent healer on staff, so only the sorcerer was really put out by them. All told they were pretty lackluster, and I doubt my players would even remember they were in the campaign given how little they contributed to the plot.

Except for one. Through actions lost to history, the players managed to befriend a kalareem, a nerra front-line fighter who dual-wields longswords, a laughably bad idea at its level only feasible at all because the game designers made a rules error and allowed it to use Weapon Finesse. Suddenly pressed to give a personality to this random encounter, I named him Charlie Sheen, because “sheen” is a word you could use when discussing mirrors and “sheen” and “kalareem” are half-rhymes. He traveled with the party for the rest of the session, fighting alongside them albeit ineffectively. When they group killed some giant shocker lizards and skinned them to make jackets, they gave one to him as a sign of solidarity. That nerra they remember, but only alongside those jackets.

For sake of comparison, the party consisted of Lucien Taylor, a tailor, Rei Halfly, halfling ray specialist, Gary “Smasher” Stubblefeld, who thought the epithet “Smasher” was especially clever, and Meldran Karameikos, who was named after the kingdom of Karameikos in Mystara even though the character and campaign had nothing to do with Mystara. It was not our finest hour in character naming.

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M is for Minotaur, Rarely Barbaric

I took an atypical path to tabletop gaming, and I’ll probably talk about that in more detail one day. The first D&D book I ever picked up was the 3.0E Monster Manual, and when I opened it the first monster I saw was this one. I don’t know if that’s why I like them so much, but it couldn’t have hurt.

Minotaurs are half-bull, half-human creatures you’ve probably already heard of, if not from Greek mythology then from playing Tauren in World of Warcraft. Given that original capital-M Minotaur lived in a maze, they typically have some resistance to getting lost or some bonus to determining direction. In every edition I can think of they’re also really good at charging enemies, because that’s what bulls do. Beyond that they’re vanilla, low-level beatsticks.

Most editions go out of their way to not talk about minotaur society. After all, monsters only exist as things to punch on the way to a reward. It doesn’t matter whether they have legends or hobbies or religion, only that they like mazes and they generally charge in the first round of combat. But their simplicity is a lot of what made them viable monstrous PCs. As long as you can wrap your head around Effective Character Level as a concept, you already know everything you need to be a minotaur. There are no weird powers, no strange interactions with spell casting classes, no abilities that require three other books to fully understand. Just a few physical buffs and some Hit Dice. It’s like the Lolth-touched template with legs.

The first monstrous PC I ever saw was a minotaur, but that’s not my story to tell. I can tell you about Kulgrim of the Held Fist, the first NPC in the Unnamed Monster Campaign, where the players were all monstrous PCs. The party was tasked with killing a minotaur who had been terrorizing the locals. When they found that minotaur, he was meditating under a waterfall. After a very short period of confusion, he agreed to help the players kill the real culprits, and that set the stage for an entire campaign about being the good guys when you look like the bad guys.

I think the players liked him for the limited amount of time he appeared on screen, though he didn’t leave a strong impression, and that was the point. A minotaur monk wasn’t supposed to be a unique, weird thing. It was supposed to be normal, and to redefine “normal” in the context of the campaign. The players mostly remember him for being a skeleton (he wasn’t, but that was the only minotaur miniature I had at the time), and for this exchange:

DM: You see a minotaur meditating under a waterfall. He opens his eyes as you arrive and greets you.
Player: Spot check for a weapon in the minotaur’s pants!
DM: Um.
Other players: Um
Other people passing by: Um.
Player: No wait stop. I want to see if he’s hiding something. Because the pants are wet, right? So they cling.
DM: Um.
Player: Never mind.

Weirdly, the edition where minotaurs get the most character is the official edition of ignoring fluff text, 4E:

However, many minotaurs are civilized and cultured. These minotaurs are smaller than their savage kin, and they gather in settlements of all sizes.

This is a nod to the appendix at the end of the book, which had minotaurs as a playable race. They wouldn’t really be part of the system until Player’s Handbook 3, but even the Core books said “look, not every monster is…well, monstrous.” I just wish it wasn’t tucked away in the lore section of a monster so common few think to read its lore at all.

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L is for Lolth-Touched (It’s Super-Generic)

I really like monster templates. I love taking a creature the players know and putting a twist on it so they understand part of what’s going on but not all of it, like making a regular gorilla into a savage, ice-breathing yeti. Templates also let you pull multiple monsters into the same theme; if you want to fight shadow enemies, you can use the published ones, or you can use the umbral template to make shadow ogres, dogs, slimes, and things like that. I’m a little sad that Pathfinder doesn’t use templates as much as 3E did, though I think my favorite application of them was in 4E, where you could give a monster a template without changing their CR and often without changing much at all, adding flavor while keeping the core creature intact. It’s basically the game helping you reskin a monster into something fun. I wanted to show off one of those templates, but I think the one out of which I’ve gotten the most mileage is from 3E, so it’s the best story.

Lolth-Touched creatures are people and monsters given power by Lolth, goddess of drow and spiders and best friend to every author who couldn’t think of a more interesting villain in Faerûn. Her blessing makes them better in melee (curious for a deity whose favored race hates melee combat, but whatever), gives them a few cute but mostly trivial buffs, and makes them evil. Because it’s a template, there’s not a lot of additional story here. Lolth like thing, thing get stronger.

When I first read the template, my first thought was “this is really useful, but it’s too bad it’s bound to Lolth.” The Monster Manual 4 came out while I was playing World of Warcraft and I’d been looking for a way to make monsters rare or elite*. This seemed to fit the bill, giving monsters more hit points and making them better able to resist ailments and effective save-or-die effects like grappling or fear, but it was tied to a specific god I didn’t much like. But my second thought was “why is this bound to Lolth, again? In fact, why can’t I use it for literally everything?” Take a look at what it does:

  • Only works on living, corporeal creatures. Why, though? Is it because there’s a Constitution bonus? Then just say “Creatures with no Constitution don’t get the Constitution bonus”. It’s not like Lolth has a particular hatred for ghosts or golems. We can safely ignore this.
  • Only works on nongood, nonlawful creatures; makes the creature chaotic evil. This is tied to Lolth, but it’s largely inconsequential. You could just as easily make it a Moradin-touched template and have it only work on nonevil, nonchaotic creatures. And if you use alignment as little as I do, it’s completely irrelevant. We can safely change it or ignore it altogether.
  • +6 Strength. This is the most mechanically impressive part of the template because +3 to attack and +1 to +5 damage is nothing to sneeze at. But it’s not Lolth-specific.
  • +6 Constitution. This is the part I like the most because it makes the monster survive longer and has almost no other effect. But it’s not Lolth-specific.
  • +4 to Hide and Move Silently checks. You could probably make this any two skills, or any one if you’re in a edition that combines Hide and Move Silently into Stealth. No one skill breaks the game, so it depends on what you want the creature to be. We can safely change this.
  • Immune to fear. This has no effect in many parties and little effect in most of the rest. It’s mostly there for flavor. But it’s not Lolth-specific.
  • +1 CR. Yeah, okay, that seems fair.

Nothing about this template is meaningfully, irrevocably proprietary to Lolth. I’ve used it several times for Kord-touched, or dragon-touched, or France-touched creatures before, and it works exactly as well (take a drink). It gives the players pause, challenges them, and makes a monster special regardless of the words you use to describe it. Calling it “Lolth-touched” seems as empty as putting “original character, do not steal” on it and has exactly as much weight.

* — I never found a great published solution for this in 3E, so I’ve settled on “give them maximum hit points and up the CR by one.” 4E had the Elite and Solo mechanics, which did this quickly and cleanly, and I like that. Pathfinder’s solution is “Meh, what does CR even mean, anyway? Just use an overpowered monster, you’ll be fine.” I prefer my own.

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